I’m all wired. Not in the normal geeky way, mind you. Not in the excited way, and not in the too much coffee way either. I’m all wired in a totally new and supremely annoying way: via a Holter Monitor.

You see, my heart has started doing this really irritating thing where every minute or so it seems to…ha ha, get this: stop beating for a second and then beat once really hard and then just keep going like nothing happened. Y’know? I mean, what the fuck? Really!

Now normally I wouldn’t really mind, but I’d been thinking that I’d kind of like to start doing drugs on a semi-regular basis again and this may throw a real crimp in my plans. Well this, and the kids. OK, so I really had no real plans to find me some really quality mescaline and go lay in the back yard all night. I hadn’t even thought for a second about how much more I like Scary Monsters by David Bowie when I’m all twitchy on acid. And believe you me, the thought of doing a little X and climbing a tree hasn’t crossed my mind for years. Honest!

So now I’m sitting here at work, all wired up, boxy thingy hanging from a necklace holster, electrodes firmly stuck to five or six spots on my chest (fuck me if that ain’t gonna hurt to take off), and every single iota of my attention focused on every single beat of my heart.

I mean, I’m not really worried. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. I’ve taken really good care of my body over the years. Oh wait, that wasn’t me. That was someone else. Oh well. Here’s hoping for the best.

Categories: Personal