ADHD and the FierceFamily

As a kid, I always knew I was different - in a bad way - from my peers. Though adults seemed to group me in with the smarter kids, I was not like them. I never did my homework, except in the 5 minutes before class in the hallway. I always meant to stay on top of things, and developed really elaborate systems for doing so. Then, a week, or a few days, or a few hours into the new system, I’d fall on my face. Woe to me when a teacher had a flexible deadline, because I never, ever did an assignment before the very last minute it was due. If the deadline wasn’t clear, that last-minute adrenaline never kicked in, and I never did the assignment.

But I got by. In some ways, that was worse. I don’t think anyone really knew how badly I was struggling, including me. I just thought I was lazy and running a good con. So, it became part of my self-concept that I was the kid who knew how to snow people into thinking I was smart and on top of things. I knew that, at any moment, my cover could be blown. Even as I walked across the stage to graduate from my last degree, after 31 years of (relatively successful) schooling, I was sure I would be stopped at the last moment, and my failures / weaknesses / shortcomings would be revealed. Imagine my relief when they simply handed me my diploma.

In my professional life, I’ve developed organizational systems to help me function that are more organized than any of my peers. At each new job, I quickly become known as the person who is super-organized, almost obsessive-compulsive. In fact, people make fun of how organized I like things to be. But, again, it’s all a sham. Yeah, I have developed these amazing strategies. But they are all to hide and make up for the disastrous chaos inside my head (and, often, my desk). At work I’ve been plagued by more stress than my peers, because in addition to the usual stresses, I have tremendous fear that the real me - the dumb, sloppy, lazy me - will be exposed by my next mistake.

Intellectually, I know this is foolish. I have lots of experience, lots of training, and lots of creativity, energy, and interest to offer to an employer. And, after specializing in working with people with ADHD, I know that my fears are shared by most people who are not diagnosed until they are adults. If I’m going to help others get over their shame, etc., then I should move on, right?

So, I’ve embarked on a new experiment at work. I’m being honest about my weaknesses. And, trying to be honest about my strengths. I’ve told my employers that I’m really good at generating creative and unusual ideas. And crappy at following through on them. I’m good at setting up organizational systems that all can benefit from - but don’t expect me to use them consistently.

I have fallen behind, even on the rigid deadlines. And, I’ve been talked to. (My co-worker joked that I’ve been put into “Report Writing Remediation.”) But, miraculously, I seem to be doing well enough that, when I’ve been talked to, it hasn’t been that I’m a bad person. It’s been to help me figure out how to catch up.

Maybe there’s something to this honesty crap. Maybe I can practice what I preach. Maybe work could be a place where they both appreciate me and see me for who I really am. Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf.

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